At the prompting and recommendation of a number of friends whose opinion I value, I've begun watching the TV show Lost from it's original episodes. I just finished #4. The episode ended with a "memorial" in which they took a moment to remember each individual who didn't make it through the crash by reading their name and any information they've been able to gather from their passport, etc.
While running the risk of being morbid, it made me wonder. What would someone be able to gather about me in a similar situation? At this point in life, my passport would be blank because I would have just gotten it for whatever trip I was making...hmm...
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Wow
I'm so completely overwhelmed. The assistants on our staff meet every Tuesday. During our meeting this morning, there was a knock on the door and suddenly in walked most of the rest of our department, as well as associates from multiple other areas. They were coming to let me know that I was nominated for and selected as Associate of the Month. It was one of the most overwhelming, moving and also uncomfortable (in a good way, but still uncomfortable) things I've experienced. They read from the multiple nominations that were written on my behalf (some of the content of which proved to me how very long ago the process was had been started), and although it was hard for me to deal with that much attention, it felt so good to hear the things they had to say. I do know that my coworkers appreciate me - they don't really hesitate to give praise - but to know that they went to that much trouble for me was really uplifting. Although I may be frustrated, it's so good to know that my efforts are recognized.
Although, getting that much praise also makes me feel unworthy. Hearing how perfect they think I am only makes my flaws stand out more to me. I don't think I'm as great as they think I am, and it's a lot to live up to. Which is good, because it's motivating, but it's also stressful. Because I don't know if I ever will be able to.
Although, getting that much praise also makes me feel unworthy. Hearing how perfect they think I am only makes my flaws stand out more to me. I don't think I'm as great as they think I am, and it's a lot to live up to. Which is good, because it's motivating, but it's also stressful. Because I don't know if I ever will be able to.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Choose or Lose
In one of those "confess a bunch of stuff about yourself to your friends when you're bored or procrastinating" sort of email surveys, a friend of mine once completed the sentence "Love is..." with "an obligation." I won't go back and re-hash my feelings about that response (I disagree, for the record, and have been through the discussion with a number of individuals - if you want to discuss it with me further, just ask), but another similar question has been posed to me recently.
I attended the wedding of a good friend from college on Sunday. Several times during the service and reception speeches, individuals referred to love as a choice that is made. Again, I don't think I can agree. If love were a choice, it wouldn't be as complicated as it is. It would never hurt - because saying that it is a choice implies the ability to turn it on and off. And I don't think we do that. I don't think we choose whom we love any more than we choose the color of our skin. I think love is something that finds us. I don't think that kind of emotion and attachment is something we decide - it's just something that happens.
This is also, I think, the thing that makes it joyful - one of the most sought after things in most people's lives. The way it sneaks up and takes a person by surprise is the same thing that makes it both challenging and wonderful. But I just can't think that any part of it is something we choose. Can we choose whether or not we are open to love? Certainly, but isn't choosing not to love, it's just denial.
And all of this speculation makes me nostalgic. I had a lengthy and lovely email conversation about the nature of love 5 years ago (gasp - I'm so old) with a male, eventually resulting in the best compliment I've ever received. I really, really wish I still had those emails. I also really, really wish I still talked to him - that sort of discussion is something I could use more of. Although, maybe part of what makes me look back on it so fondly is that it was limited. Who knows...and maybe I don't need to.
I attended the wedding of a good friend from college on Sunday. Several times during the service and reception speeches, individuals referred to love as a choice that is made. Again, I don't think I can agree. If love were a choice, it wouldn't be as complicated as it is. It would never hurt - because saying that it is a choice implies the ability to turn it on and off. And I don't think we do that. I don't think we choose whom we love any more than we choose the color of our skin. I think love is something that finds us. I don't think that kind of emotion and attachment is something we decide - it's just something that happens.
This is also, I think, the thing that makes it joyful - one of the most sought after things in most people's lives. The way it sneaks up and takes a person by surprise is the same thing that makes it both challenging and wonderful. But I just can't think that any part of it is something we choose. Can we choose whether or not we are open to love? Certainly, but isn't choosing not to love, it's just denial.
And all of this speculation makes me nostalgic. I had a lengthy and lovely email conversation about the nature of love 5 years ago (gasp - I'm so old) with a male, eventually resulting in the best compliment I've ever received. I really, really wish I still had those emails. I also really, really wish I still talked to him - that sort of discussion is something I could use more of. Although, maybe part of what makes me look back on it so fondly is that it was limited. Who knows...and maybe I don't need to.
Book Review: Nineteen Minutes
by Jodi Picoult
I'm a frequent critic of a book that tries to accomplish too many things. Nineteen Minutes comes very close to that line. The storyline follows multitudinous characters and its complexities are never-ending. And yet, it is told so well that I can hardly find this as a flaw. Had Picoult been weak in any one part of the plot, I may not have been as forgiving - but lucky for us both, she did not.
The novel centers around an event that lasts 19 minutes, during which a student goes on a shooting rampage in his high school, and encompasses flashbacks to the characters' childhood, adolescence and their days, weeks and months immediately preceding the shooting. Then, the author follows the same characters through their mourning, recovery and the trial. All of these pieces are interwoven seamlessly so that, although the chapters make leaps in time from one to another, the order appears to the reader the most natural thing plausible.
The issues covered are numerous - and this is where my only criticism falls. I find myself curious to know more about nearly all of the characters, and would almost prefer a series of stories told from each perspective to allow a more in-depth look at their nature and thoughts. Alas, this is not available to me, and so I must rely on my own thought and imagination - which is never a bad thing. However, despite the novel's 451 pages, I was left wanting. Both a good and a bad thing. Good, because sometimes books that leave themselves tied up in a neat package with a red bow can be unsatisfying; bad, because I think to some extent this is due to a lack of full exploration. Additionally, the buildup seemed more complete than the conclusion, which felt somewhat rushed and simplistic following the complexity of the majority of the story.
However, despite any want for depth I may have had, I have to commend Picoult on her character development. There was not a single character to which she failed in establishing for me an emotional connection. The most significant of these being the "villain" of the story - the shooter. She strikes a key balance in bringing out the lovable, as well as the challenging, in each of the story's characters which allows for the reader's full exploration of emotion.
Generally, the book was not only quick and easy to read but also thought-provoking - a combination that does not present itself frequently. It's absolutely worth reading.
I'm a frequent critic of a book that tries to accomplish too many things. Nineteen Minutes comes very close to that line. The storyline follows multitudinous characters and its complexities are never-ending. And yet, it is told so well that I can hardly find this as a flaw. Had Picoult been weak in any one part of the plot, I may not have been as forgiving - but lucky for us both, she did not.
The novel centers around an event that lasts 19 minutes, during which a student goes on a shooting rampage in his high school, and encompasses flashbacks to the characters' childhood, adolescence and their days, weeks and months immediately preceding the shooting. Then, the author follows the same characters through their mourning, recovery and the trial. All of these pieces are interwoven seamlessly so that, although the chapters make leaps in time from one to another, the order appears to the reader the most natural thing plausible.
The issues covered are numerous - and this is where my only criticism falls. I find myself curious to know more about nearly all of the characters, and would almost prefer a series of stories told from each perspective to allow a more in-depth look at their nature and thoughts. Alas, this is not available to me, and so I must rely on my own thought and imagination - which is never a bad thing. However, despite the novel's 451 pages, I was left wanting. Both a good and a bad thing. Good, because sometimes books that leave themselves tied up in a neat package with a red bow can be unsatisfying; bad, because I think to some extent this is due to a lack of full exploration. Additionally, the buildup seemed more complete than the conclusion, which felt somewhat rushed and simplistic following the complexity of the majority of the story.
However, despite any want for depth I may have had, I have to commend Picoult on her character development. There was not a single character to which she failed in establishing for me an emotional connection. The most significant of these being the "villain" of the story - the shooter. She strikes a key balance in bringing out the lovable, as well as the challenging, in each of the story's characters which allows for the reader's full exploration of emotion.
Generally, the book was not only quick and easy to read but also thought-provoking - a combination that does not present itself frequently. It's absolutely worth reading.
Book Review: How to Rig an Election
by Allen Raymond
After reading Allen Raymond's How to Rig an Election, I have but one question: How did this guy get and stay married? I mean, seriously.
The book calls into question all that is truly at the heart of morality. Raymond graduated from college and after a few years in the work world, he asked himself "what's next?" and decided to go back to school for politics - not for a love of government or any of its pieces or forms but rather because he thought he might be able to do it. What followed was a downward spiral into a life where there was only fuzz, never a line, between what was right and wrong, where the only thing that mattered was success. In all my disbelief for the things that occurred throughout his story, I was also mesmerized, because I think his story is very real. Lines are blurry, not only in the political world, but everywhere. Raymond's case may be an extreme example and his candor may be unique, but he's such a case study for the reality of our world today.
A key question comes toward the end of the book, when Raymond's wife says to him "At the end of the day ... it comes down to who you are. When you're alone and confronted with yourself, do you like what you see?" I won't tell you how he responds, but I will tell you that by this point in the book, I was surprised by the answer. At the heart of this book is not only a story about the political world, but one man's struggle with morality. With Raymond, the reader experiences a struggle to weigh success and value with acceptability.
I was a little nervous picking up Raymond's story. My take on our government and political system tend to be a little more cynical than I'd like them to be, and it's easy for me to lose my normal positive outlook when I feel overwhelmed by some of the truths of the world around me. They're weighty. And I feared this story would put me into one of those states. Luckily, although the path the book takes is definitely one of uncovering the unsavory realities of the world, its open nature almost makes up for the problems it uncovers. Instead of making me downtrodden, it made me nearly empowered - more confident in my ability to think through to the truth and to make my own decisions rather than to take at face value.
All in all, Allen Raymond's memoir of conspiracy is not only a valuable inside look into the political climate that is especially prevalent in our current election year but also an examination of the human condition and the struggle for power and success as well as the process of deciding right and wrong as well as the line of acceptable individual behavior.
After reading Allen Raymond's How to Rig an Election, I have but one question: How did this guy get and stay married? I mean, seriously.
The book calls into question all that is truly at the heart of morality. Raymond graduated from college and after a few years in the work world, he asked himself "what's next?" and decided to go back to school for politics - not for a love of government or any of its pieces or forms but rather because he thought he might be able to do it. What followed was a downward spiral into a life where there was only fuzz, never a line, between what was right and wrong, where the only thing that mattered was success. In all my disbelief for the things that occurred throughout his story, I was also mesmerized, because I think his story is very real. Lines are blurry, not only in the political world, but everywhere. Raymond's case may be an extreme example and his candor may be unique, but he's such a case study for the reality of our world today.
A key question comes toward the end of the book, when Raymond's wife says to him "At the end of the day ... it comes down to who you are. When you're alone and confronted with yourself, do you like what you see?" I won't tell you how he responds, but I will tell you that by this point in the book, I was surprised by the answer. At the heart of this book is not only a story about the political world, but one man's struggle with morality. With Raymond, the reader experiences a struggle to weigh success and value with acceptability.
I was a little nervous picking up Raymond's story. My take on our government and political system tend to be a little more cynical than I'd like them to be, and it's easy for me to lose my normal positive outlook when I feel overwhelmed by some of the truths of the world around me. They're weighty. And I feared this story would put me into one of those states. Luckily, although the path the book takes is definitely one of uncovering the unsavory realities of the world, its open nature almost makes up for the problems it uncovers. Instead of making me downtrodden, it made me nearly empowered - more confident in my ability to think through to the truth and to make my own decisions rather than to take at face value.
All in all, Allen Raymond's memoir of conspiracy is not only a valuable inside look into the political climate that is especially prevalent in our current election year but also an examination of the human condition and the struggle for power and success as well as the process of deciding right and wrong as well as the line of acceptable individual behavior.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
And We're Left to Carry on and Wonder Why...
On Sunday we'll have been without you for 2 years. And I need you Benner. Remind me that you're ok. Help me to know that, although we're sad, you're happy. Let me believe that your last moments were spent joyfully...that maybe you didn't know, that you truly lived to that final instant, without fear. And mostly, be with me - help me to never forget that although I can't see you, you're here with me in every moment, in every way. I miss you.
All the people who say it gets better with time are in denial, or just don't actually know. Just because I'm able to trick myself better and for longer periods of time into believing that it's not real doesn't mean it hurts any less at those moments when the truth flies back at me like a boomerang I foolishly flung away to get rid of. The hole in my heart is still gaping and raw. It's unpatchable. There are good things in my life, they make themselves known to me every day, and still they only fill in around the edges of the wound...sometimes soothing it temporarily, but never filling it in. And now, when the memories of what I was doing at this time 2 years ago are circling in my brain like vulchers, that hole feels swollen and heavy.
My yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away
Every now and then you come to mind
'Cause you were always waiting to be picked to play the game
But when your name was called, you found a place to hide
When you knew that I was always on your side
Well everything was easy then, so sweet and innocent
But my demons and my angels reappeared
Leavin' only traces of the man you thought I'd be
Too afraid to hear the words I'd always feared
Leavin' you with only questions all these years
But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are you left to wonder, all alone, eternally
This isn't how it's really meant to be
No it isn't how it's really meant to be
Well they say that love is in the air, never is it clear,
Try to pull it close and make it stay
Butterflies are free to fly, and so they fly away
And I'm left to carry on and wonder why
Even through it all, I'm always on your side
But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are you left to wonder, all alone, eternally
When this isn't how it's really meant to be
No it isn't how it's really meant to be
Well they say that love is in the air, never is it clear
How to pull it close and make it stay
Butterflies are free to fly, why do they fly away
Leavin' me to carry on and wonder why
Was it you that kept me wandering through this life
When you know that I was always on your side
All the people who say it gets better with time are in denial, or just don't actually know. Just because I'm able to trick myself better and for longer periods of time into believing that it's not real doesn't mean it hurts any less at those moments when the truth flies back at me like a boomerang I foolishly flung away to get rid of. The hole in my heart is still gaping and raw. It's unpatchable. There are good things in my life, they make themselves known to me every day, and still they only fill in around the edges of the wound...sometimes soothing it temporarily, but never filling it in. And now, when the memories of what I was doing at this time 2 years ago are circling in my brain like vulchers, that hole feels swollen and heavy.
My yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away
Every now and then you come to mind
'Cause you were always waiting to be picked to play the game
But when your name was called, you found a place to hide
When you knew that I was always on your side
Well everything was easy then, so sweet and innocent
But my demons and my angels reappeared
Leavin' only traces of the man you thought I'd be
Too afraid to hear the words I'd always feared
Leavin' you with only questions all these years
But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are you left to wonder, all alone, eternally
This isn't how it's really meant to be
No it isn't how it's really meant to be
Well they say that love is in the air, never is it clear,
Try to pull it close and make it stay
Butterflies are free to fly, and so they fly away
And I'm left to carry on and wonder why
Even through it all, I'm always on your side
But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are you left to wonder, all alone, eternally
When this isn't how it's really meant to be
No it isn't how it's really meant to be
Well they say that love is in the air, never is it clear
How to pull it close and make it stay
Butterflies are free to fly, why do they fly away
Leavin' me to carry on and wonder why
Was it you that kept me wandering through this life
When you know that I was always on your side
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
5 Year Plan
In the book I'm reading right now, the author talks about the 5-year plan he had in his mid-20's. Reading this has just stirred up some already-stressful thoughts for me.
I know there are high expectations for me in my job and that there are some pretty substantial aspirations for me by others in my department. I'm fine with it, because it feels good to have that kind of appreciation and confidence in me, and because I know I'd like to move up somehow from my current position - but there's a lot of pressure associated with this too. Not pressure to succeed necessarily - I'm not really concerned about that, not because I'm over-confidant but because I know I'm always going to give 100% of myself and that's all anyone can ask of me anyway. Moreso, it's pressure because I need to figure out what I want.
The problem is that I just don't know what I want. Well, that's not completely true. There are a few different directions I can see myself going...but choosing one is the hard part. 2 of them are risky in terms of the fact that for them to work out, it would have to be the right position at the right time. The other is risky because it involves staying and growing in my current department where a position may or may not develop. It's hard to take on projects and tasks that I both like and think will help feed whatever I pick, when I don't know what that selection is and whether or not it will pan out in the end. It would be easy to say that it's failure I'm afraid of, but I don't think that's it. I would actually argue that to some extent it really is pure indecision - I think I could be really, truly happy in all 3 of the areas. I really like doing a lot of things, so how do I prioritize those and try to figure out what's going to be the best option for me? I'm just not sure.
Also, things are in flux in my department. In order to improve the service we provide to the firm, we're going through somewhat of a realignment...and it's really up in the air what this means for my role, but I'm nervous. I like what I do, and I really, really like working for my managers. They give me the freedom and flexibility I like, I know what to expect from them, they challenge and expect a lot from me...we just work well together. But now I just don't know what the next step is and how our structure will affect my ability to be content and fulfilled in my position. Hopefully it won't, but I'm nervous nonetheless. Guess we'll see...
I know there are high expectations for me in my job and that there are some pretty substantial aspirations for me by others in my department. I'm fine with it, because it feels good to have that kind of appreciation and confidence in me, and because I know I'd like to move up somehow from my current position - but there's a lot of pressure associated with this too. Not pressure to succeed necessarily - I'm not really concerned about that, not because I'm over-confidant but because I know I'm always going to give 100% of myself and that's all anyone can ask of me anyway. Moreso, it's pressure because I need to figure out what I want.
The problem is that I just don't know what I want. Well, that's not completely true. There are a few different directions I can see myself going...but choosing one is the hard part. 2 of them are risky in terms of the fact that for them to work out, it would have to be the right position at the right time. The other is risky because it involves staying and growing in my current department where a position may or may not develop. It's hard to take on projects and tasks that I both like and think will help feed whatever I pick, when I don't know what that selection is and whether or not it will pan out in the end. It would be easy to say that it's failure I'm afraid of, but I don't think that's it. I would actually argue that to some extent it really is pure indecision - I think I could be really, truly happy in all 3 of the areas. I really like doing a lot of things, so how do I prioritize those and try to figure out what's going to be the best option for me? I'm just not sure.
Also, things are in flux in my department. In order to improve the service we provide to the firm, we're going through somewhat of a realignment...and it's really up in the air what this means for my role, but I'm nervous. I like what I do, and I really, really like working for my managers. They give me the freedom and flexibility I like, I know what to expect from them, they challenge and expect a lot from me...we just work well together. But now I just don't know what the next step is and how our structure will affect my ability to be content and fulfilled in my position. Hopefully it won't, but I'm nervous nonetheless. Guess we'll see...
Monday, April 21, 2008
Stalked by RR
So I'm leaving the gym this morning and a gentleman is on his way in. I say hello and so does he. I think I'm going to hold the door for him and head on my way. But I'm wrong. As he's walking toward the door he says to me "Go see the movie 'Expelled'" I've never heard of it, so I say "ok, thanks" and again think I'm heading on my way. But I'm still wrong. He asks if I've heard of it, and when I say no he tells me "In my opinion, it's the most important movie created in the last 25 years. It's only playing until Thursday. The politically correct people won't let it play longer than that." And by this time I'm almost to my car and really do head on my way.
So what, you might ask, is 'Expelled' - as it turns out it's a movie about how those who support the creation theory as opposed to evolution are essentially condemned in the science world. Aye, aye aye. I thought I was removed from this stuff when I left RR...but no. It's like these people haunt me. The good news, though, is that in this case I will hopefully not be confronted by him again and will therefore not have to ever pretend like I want to see this movie or like it really is the most important thing created in the last 25 years. Unlike how I used to have to bite my tongue when Drew M. talked about "curing" homosexuality and when I was forced to staff a booth at the Right to Life masses. It's just so good to not have to hide my real opinion. I really think I'm not thankful enough for that right in my life...
So what, you might ask, is 'Expelled' - as it turns out it's a movie about how those who support the creation theory as opposed to evolution are essentially condemned in the science world. Aye, aye aye. I thought I was removed from this stuff when I left RR...but no. It's like these people haunt me. The good news, though, is that in this case I will hopefully not be confronted by him again and will therefore not have to ever pretend like I want to see this movie or like it really is the most important thing created in the last 25 years. Unlike how I used to have to bite my tongue when Drew M. talked about "curing" homosexuality and when I was forced to staff a booth at the Right to Life masses. It's just so good to not have to hide my real opinion. I really think I'm not thankful enough for that right in my life...
Sunday, April 13, 2008
In Other News...
The movie with this favorite quote of mine was on this morning:
"The things you're afraid of are usually the most worthwhile."
Hmm...
"The things you're afraid of are usually the most worthwhile."
Hmm...
When It Rains...
So, as if my issues with wanting to ditch one friend/group of friends isn't enough...up pops someone I'd written off long ago. You may or may not know that one of my best friendships (dating back to middle school) ended when my friend's very new (like 2 dates) and very controlling BF encouraged her to act in a very un-friendly way while we were living together. It's not worth re-hashing all the cruddy details...the point is that I was through with her and hadn't spoken to her since we broke our lease and moved out of our apartment in Jan. of '06. Well, I take that back - I was included on a group email from her last spring asking if anyone was interested in going somewhere for "spring break," which I found to be completely bizarre and did not respond to.
This morning, however, I woke to an email from her. Interestingly enough, her first words were "I know you're probably surprised to be getting an email from me..." well, duh. Evidently she had a dream in which she went to visit another mutual friend who happened to live with me - so although I wasn't in the dream, in the dream she was at my house, and this inspired her to write me. She acknowledged that she had never apologized for the wrongs she'd done me and that she was a complete jerk to me during that time, and she said that she hoped it had worked out for me in the end.
So, now what to do? It's strange, because I feel like her name has been coming up a lot lately for me. I've recently shared our story with a couple people, and in the process have even admitted to another and myself that I miss her and that I wish things had gone differently with our situation. Our friendship goes back a long time, and through a lot of things - she was essentially an extension of my family, an extension of myself. There are so many times I feel lost with something I want to share that I know only she would understand. I'm thankful to have a lot of people in my life who I would consider "close" - however, I also acknowledge that there are some people who understand another better than others have the ability to - with some people there is just a natural understanding. These people are few and far between. She was one of these people for me.
Back to the question at hand - is it too little too late? Or, is forgiveness the answer. It's a hard decision. If I want to draw a correlation to another friend with whom I've severed ties, I have left his attempts at repair unanswered. However, I don't think the harms in question now come anywhere near those done to me by this other individual. With him, the fact I always come back to is that the problems stemmed from a lack of quality in him as a person, and moreso, as a friend, that I don't believe have improved since. He was manipulative, selfish and truly intended to hurt me. As I already mentioned, I have a lot of good friends, and I don't believe he has the capacity to be a good friend to the extent I deserve or care to have in my life.
However, I don't know if I can claim the same things in this case. Was I hurt by the friend who wrote me today? Yes. However, do I think she intended to hurt me? No...I think the biggest problem for me was that she didn't take me into consideration at all, in a situation that completely impacted me. Also, I was concerned to see her so quickly manipulated and controlled by someone who I was afraid was not good for her. Now they're married, so another potential con to writing back and mending whatever can be mended would be finding that it's as bad as or worse than I thought it could be.
At the same time, maybe her reaching out is an implication that she needs some support. Maybe something isn't right. Maybe she just really is sorry. Maybe I should just let the whole thing go. I just wish I knew. I wish I had someone who could tell me what to do in several of my current friend situations. They're wearing on me, and I need to get it figured out sooner rather than later...
This morning, however, I woke to an email from her. Interestingly enough, her first words were "I know you're probably surprised to be getting an email from me..." well, duh. Evidently she had a dream in which she went to visit another mutual friend who happened to live with me - so although I wasn't in the dream, in the dream she was at my house, and this inspired her to write me. She acknowledged that she had never apologized for the wrongs she'd done me and that she was a complete jerk to me during that time, and she said that she hoped it had worked out for me in the end.
So, now what to do? It's strange, because I feel like her name has been coming up a lot lately for me. I've recently shared our story with a couple people, and in the process have even admitted to another and myself that I miss her and that I wish things had gone differently with our situation. Our friendship goes back a long time, and through a lot of things - she was essentially an extension of my family, an extension of myself. There are so many times I feel lost with something I want to share that I know only she would understand. I'm thankful to have a lot of people in my life who I would consider "close" - however, I also acknowledge that there are some people who understand another better than others have the ability to - with some people there is just a natural understanding. These people are few and far between. She was one of these people for me.
Back to the question at hand - is it too little too late? Or, is forgiveness the answer. It's a hard decision. If I want to draw a correlation to another friend with whom I've severed ties, I have left his attempts at repair unanswered. However, I don't think the harms in question now come anywhere near those done to me by this other individual. With him, the fact I always come back to is that the problems stemmed from a lack of quality in him as a person, and moreso, as a friend, that I don't believe have improved since. He was manipulative, selfish and truly intended to hurt me. As I already mentioned, I have a lot of good friends, and I don't believe he has the capacity to be a good friend to the extent I deserve or care to have in my life.
However, I don't know if I can claim the same things in this case. Was I hurt by the friend who wrote me today? Yes. However, do I think she intended to hurt me? No...I think the biggest problem for me was that she didn't take me into consideration at all, in a situation that completely impacted me. Also, I was concerned to see her so quickly manipulated and controlled by someone who I was afraid was not good for her. Now they're married, so another potential con to writing back and mending whatever can be mended would be finding that it's as bad as or worse than I thought it could be.
At the same time, maybe her reaching out is an implication that she needs some support. Maybe something isn't right. Maybe she just really is sorry. Maybe I should just let the whole thing go. I just wish I knew. I wish I had someone who could tell me what to do in several of my current friend situations. They're wearing on me, and I need to get it figured out sooner rather than later...
Friday, April 4, 2008
Find a Penny, Pick It Up
Everything happens for a reason. I really believe that. Which is why I'm not bothered by the fact that I got home at 10:15 on Friday night...and why it didn't bother me a bit to end my night in a bar, in my sweats.
Let's take a step back. It started a while ago. For a reference see my blog about friends from a bit ago. I've been frustrated with one friend in particular for some time now, and that's been making me alienated from an entire group of them. And I don't know what the appropriate course of action is when a person stops enjoying spending time with her friends.
I know I'm part of the problem. Typically, I think I'm a pretty easy-going person and can adjust to most any situation. But for some reason I'm just disgusted with this one friend...and to some extent the whole group, and I can't seem to let it go. And it sucks. It sucks because on the one hand I just want to be done with the group - to just completely detach and say screw them all, I don't need this. But at the same time, I hate the feeling of being excluded - which is again partly caused by the distance I've been creating and is also part of my frustration. For as much as they can say things about how they never see me anymore, etc, they also never take a step to ask what's been going on, how I'm doing, if everything's ok, etc. Which, I suppose, might just make it harder, since I've decided I can't really talk to any of them about it (one excluded...although my attempt to talk to her about it was fairly unhelpful).
So I just don't know what the right answer is. I wish I did. I wish I could just get over it already. And at the same time I just wish I could be done with it. But life is never that easy, and all I can really do is wait until I am able to figure it out.
Oh, but you might be wondering what this has to do with everything happening for a reason. See, I wasn't really looking forward to the "girls night in" tonight. It started out ok though - just me and the one good friend of the group bumming and being goofy at Target. But then, as we were leaving, I noticed that my house key was no longer on my clip. Crap. And of course we had stayed there too long and needed to leave immediately, so we had no time to go back and look for it. My only option was to go get my roommate's key from him. The bad news was this meant meeting him on the east side since he'd already started drinking...the good news was it gave me a really good excuse to leave the "party" really early. Which I was glad for, because I was annoyed within the first 5 seconds with the rest of the girls and had essentially no fun at all. And then, of course, Eric had sent his BF to go rent a movie...with his keys. So I had to wait for him to get back so that I could get a key to get into the house. And THAT is how I ended up in a bar in my sweats. Oh well...at least I'm home now where I can feel like me again.
Let's take a step back. It started a while ago. For a reference see my blog about friends from a bit ago. I've been frustrated with one friend in particular for some time now, and that's been making me alienated from an entire group of them. And I don't know what the appropriate course of action is when a person stops enjoying spending time with her friends.
I know I'm part of the problem. Typically, I think I'm a pretty easy-going person and can adjust to most any situation. But for some reason I'm just disgusted with this one friend...and to some extent the whole group, and I can't seem to let it go. And it sucks. It sucks because on the one hand I just want to be done with the group - to just completely detach and say screw them all, I don't need this. But at the same time, I hate the feeling of being excluded - which is again partly caused by the distance I've been creating and is also part of my frustration. For as much as they can say things about how they never see me anymore, etc, they also never take a step to ask what's been going on, how I'm doing, if everything's ok, etc. Which, I suppose, might just make it harder, since I've decided I can't really talk to any of them about it (one excluded...although my attempt to talk to her about it was fairly unhelpful).
So I just don't know what the right answer is. I wish I did. I wish I could just get over it already. And at the same time I just wish I could be done with it. But life is never that easy, and all I can really do is wait until I am able to figure it out.
Oh, but you might be wondering what this has to do with everything happening for a reason. See, I wasn't really looking forward to the "girls night in" tonight. It started out ok though - just me and the one good friend of the group bumming and being goofy at Target. But then, as we were leaving, I noticed that my house key was no longer on my clip. Crap. And of course we had stayed there too long and needed to leave immediately, so we had no time to go back and look for it. My only option was to go get my roommate's key from him. The bad news was this meant meeting him on the east side since he'd already started drinking...the good news was it gave me a really good excuse to leave the "party" really early. Which I was glad for, because I was annoyed within the first 5 seconds with the rest of the girls and had essentially no fun at all. And then, of course, Eric had sent his BF to go rent a movie...with his keys. So I had to wait for him to get back so that I could get a key to get into the house. And THAT is how I ended up in a bar in my sweats. Oh well...at least I'm home now where I can feel like me again.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Things with Which I Disagree - Part I
So, I'm part of this discussion group...and the topic for tomorrow is kind of wacky. The leader of this week's topic sent us to read this blog that got me all sorts of feisty. In case you're interested, here's a link: http://www.woundedpig.com/about/
I should have known it was going to frustrate me from the very beginning:
Now, I think there's some validity to this. I do think what people read/hear impacts them in some way, shape, or form. However, I think the emphasis he puts on this and the weight he says he carries because of it express a deep-seeded arrogance that makes us not get along from the get-go.
One of our "assigned" readings was his blog on Immigration. He expresses that we have a problem with immigration that is actually a problem in which too many people are deserting their own countries. He says:
In another prescribed post, my new not-so-BFF talks about the American under-privileged... but I'll save that for another day. For now I need to go find a way to be positive :)
I should have known it was going to frustrate me from the very beginning:
"Bloggers have a responsibility for their words, because words change people. I fully expect that what you read here will change you, whether it’s through encouragement or chastisement, support or criticism. You’re looking for answers, just like me. Since I’m going to help you find those answers, I am indebting myself to you for what I say.This weighs on me. I don’t wield that power lightly."
Now, I think there's some validity to this. I do think what people read/hear impacts them in some way, shape, or form. However, I think the emphasis he puts on this and the weight he says he carries because of it express a deep-seeded arrogance that makes us not get along from the get-go.
One of our "assigned" readings was his blog on Immigration. He expresses that we have a problem with immigration that is actually a problem in which too many people are deserting their own countries. He says:
"This country is free because we made it that way. We used to be under a dictatorship. We used to be oppressed and exploited. We used to be serfs!The thing is, we did something about it. We shrugged off our shackles and overthrew the oppressors! From the Boston Tea Party through the Constitutional Congress, we made our Freedom happen, and we deserve the freedom we have.
Rather than come here and take our freedoms from us, let the deserters do the same things we did. Shake off their own oppressors in their own countries."
Now, I have a few problems with this. First of all, the way he uses "we" here - as if he or I had ANY part in the battle our nation fought for freedom. I'm sorry, but just because you're enjoying the benefits established by those who came before you does not mean you get to accept any credit for that process. Additionally, I don't know how much of a comparison he can make between the process of gaining independence that was gone through by the early American settlers and that of many current US immigrants. Chiefly, those who settled in the US had the opportunity to completely remove themselves geographically from their oppressors and create a "fresh start". Also, although I do agree that immigration reform is needed, one of my biggest problems with anti-immigration arguments is that it seems as though no one can stop and remember that the majority of "Americans" are immigrants. The only true natives of this country were themselves oppressed - BY THE VERY PEOPLE WHO WERE TRYING TO ESCAPE OPPRESSION! Ok...enough of that.
He goes on to say:
Now, come on - Americans "need" more than average? Really? Do we? Or do we just like and use more. Are you sure it's not just that we're used to using more? Now, I'm not saying I'm not as big a user as everyone else - however, I also recognize that, as a middle-class American, I'm pretty much living the life of luxury compared to most of the world. Also, it's fine to mention how much we're importing...but are we really importing from the areas from which the largest numbers of immigrants are coming? Probably not. Get a more valid argument. Thanks."Look at the straight economics of it. Americans need more-than-the-average amount of natural resources. For example, our entire country is based on the highway system and auto industry, so we need oil and steel to get around. There use to be enough oil here, but that hasn’t been true since the early 1970’s or something. Now we have to import it all. We don’t have enough resources for ourselves here, so we can’t share with others.
So if you’re thinking of coming to America for the resources, the news isn’t good: You’re better off staying home. Your own country’s resources certainly ought to be good enough for you. After all, they’re good enough for us — we’re importing them as quickly as we can."
In another prescribed post, my new not-so-BFF talks about the American under-privileged... but I'll save that for another day. For now I need to go find a way to be positive :)
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Book Review: Sufficient Grace
by Darnell Arnoult
I picked up Sufficient Grace on a whim, like I do most books. I wanted a CD that wasn't available in stores...and since I could get free shipping if I spent $25, of course I needed to find more things to buy. It sounded like the plot would be complex and interesting, so I added it to my shopping cart.
When I started the book, I was a little worried that the "main" character was a little too kooky for me to get attached to and that I wasn't going to like the book. But I was wrong. Chiefly, I was wrong in assuming that the central character in the book was actually the "main" character, when actually, although the story is in some way in all places attached to her, it is more about those around her and the way one situation can affect so many in various ways. Discovering this in the way that I did, a little at a time, made this message sink in even more that it would have had I connected with the central character from the first page.
In many ways, the book is about journey. It's about how things happen that we're not necessarily expecting, and that we don't necessarily want - but that these things allow us to find parts of ourselves that we'd never before recognized. It's about how our lives are completely and utterly intertwined with those around us, and even with some individuals we may not even know. It is the embodiment of the Serenity Prayer:
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference."
My only issue was that the book tried to take on a few too many connections, and in the end a few of them were underdeveloped. I actually felt like the material could be separated into two separate works, allowing the author to offer us as much of a tie to the B-level characters as we are granted to those with the most face-time. Maybe there is or will be a sequel...
I picked up Sufficient Grace on a whim, like I do most books. I wanted a CD that wasn't available in stores...and since I could get free shipping if I spent $25, of course I needed to find more things to buy. It sounded like the plot would be complex and interesting, so I added it to my shopping cart.
When I started the book, I was a little worried that the "main" character was a little too kooky for me to get attached to and that I wasn't going to like the book. But I was wrong. Chiefly, I was wrong in assuming that the central character in the book was actually the "main" character, when actually, although the story is in some way in all places attached to her, it is more about those around her and the way one situation can affect so many in various ways. Discovering this in the way that I did, a little at a time, made this message sink in even more that it would have had I connected with the central character from the first page.
In many ways, the book is about journey. It's about how things happen that we're not necessarily expecting, and that we don't necessarily want - but that these things allow us to find parts of ourselves that we'd never before recognized. It's about how our lives are completely and utterly intertwined with those around us, and even with some individuals we may not even know. It is the embodiment of the Serenity Prayer:
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference."
My only issue was that the book tried to take on a few too many connections, and in the end a few of them were underdeveloped. I actually felt like the material could be separated into two separate works, allowing the author to offer us as much of a tie to the B-level characters as we are granted to those with the most face-time. Maybe there is or will be a sequel...
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
:)
Spring is coming. I swear it is. This morning when I left for the gym, even though it was still dark, the birds were chirping, and I haven't heard that in a long time. Plus, when I was on my way home from the gym there were two robins hanging out in the middle of the street together. Yay! :)
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Call to Action
Do I believe in signs? I'm not sure. Not necessarily in the sense that most people would consider "a sign" I suppose, but I do believe there are things around us that can impact our thoughts/actions if we are open to noticing them. That being said, there were a lot of things that jumped out at me over the weekend. Things like the series of movies we watched on TV, a particular song at a particular line when I turned on the radio, a line in the book I'm reading...
My cousin Ben lived his nearly 20 years so fully...so fearlessly. And I feel sometimes like my fears are really restricting. Over the last 2 years, I've thought a lot about how I can actually learn from Ben, and put that into action. And I think what it comes down to is that I need to just do it. And now, more than any other time, I think I'm facing an opportunity to do just that. To put myself "out there" in a way I never have before. To risk a little bit of myself for a potentially really good situation. And, really, I could see it as a win-win situation. I SHOULD see it as a win-win. Because regardless of the end result, I will have overcome a hurdle. Now, if I can just convince myself of that, we'll be good to go ;)
My cousin Ben lived his nearly 20 years so fully...so fearlessly. And I feel sometimes like my fears are really restricting. Over the last 2 years, I've thought a lot about how I can actually learn from Ben, and put that into action. And I think what it comes down to is that I need to just do it. And now, more than any other time, I think I'm facing an opportunity to do just that. To put myself "out there" in a way I never have before. To risk a little bit of myself for a potentially really good situation. And, really, I could see it as a win-win situation. I SHOULD see it as a win-win. Because regardless of the end result, I will have overcome a hurdle. Now, if I can just convince myself of that, we'll be good to go ;)
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Finally!
Ever since I moved, I've been missing my old gym for multiple reasons. The equipment at my new gym is older and lower-quality - and there's less of it. Also, the new gym opens half an hour later and I have at least twice the drive to get there from what I had, so my actual workout time has been significantly reduced. I miss the regulars from my old gym...and I really miss the desk worker. He was always sunny and would greet me with jokes and stories, etc.
Naturally there are tons of regulars at the new gym too, they're just not the same and have been hard to crack. But, as of recently a lady who's usual locker is only a few down from mine has started including me in on convo while I'm changing my shoes, stashing my coat, etc. So that's nice. And even better, the new desk worker has started to greet me with my name! I know it sounds ridiculous, but it means a lot. I think we really broke some ground when I lost my membership card and had to get a new one :P I'm sure she's just a more reserved person from my old desk buddy, but it's nice to know that she sees me as a regular - more than just giving me the same locker every day.
Naturally there are tons of regulars at the new gym too, they're just not the same and have been hard to crack. But, as of recently a lady who's usual locker is only a few down from mine has started including me in on convo while I'm changing my shoes, stashing my coat, etc. So that's nice. And even better, the new desk worker has started to greet me with my name! I know it sounds ridiculous, but it means a lot. I think we really broke some ground when I lost my membership card and had to get a new one :P I'm sure she's just a more reserved person from my old desk buddy, but it's nice to know that she sees me as a regular - more than just giving me the same locker every day.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Timing is...Everything?
I'm pitiful...really, I am. First of all, I was supposed to go out tonight. But, funny how this works, I didn't feel like spending time with anyone I don't want to spend time with...so here I am watching the Bachelor instead :P In the Bachelor's pre-interview, the host asked him why he hadn't found love yet. His response was that he had found love, but that the timing wasn't right. He claimed that a lot relies on timing. I suppose this is somewhat true - I mean, if you're not in a position to be open to the possibility of what's in front of you, you're not going to recognize it. However, I wonder what this does for the notion of finding the right person.
Let's take this TV dude's example. If he's saying what caused the demise of his previously love-filled relationship was timing, then what's to say she wasn't the right person?
And then I still go back to the question - is there only one person out there for each of us? I've heard both sides of this argument, and I'm not sure where I fall. Of course the romantic in me enjoys the idealistic nature of the notion that each of us has a soulmate with whom we're somehow connected and to whom we will somehow find our way. But I don't know.
I am, however, confidant that there is at least one someone out there for everyone. When I find mine, then maybe I'll understand it better...
Let's take this TV dude's example. If he's saying what caused the demise of his previously love-filled relationship was timing, then what's to say she wasn't the right person?
And then I still go back to the question - is there only one person out there for each of us? I've heard both sides of this argument, and I'm not sure where I fall. Of course the romantic in me enjoys the idealistic nature of the notion that each of us has a soulmate with whom we're somehow connected and to whom we will somehow find our way. But I don't know.
I am, however, confidant that there is at least one someone out there for everyone. When I find mine, then maybe I'll understand it better...
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Life Puzzle
I was on my way downtown a couple hours ago and drove past a place I had an interview for a job I really, really wanted. It was quite a while before my position was eliminated, and the job was working on a portion of a conference program - so totally up my alley. Obviously I didn't get the job, and at the time I was disappointed. Now, though, I can't help but be glad. Because I can't fathom how the path my life would have taken were I working in that position. I'd have missed out on a lot of great things in my last months at RR (I know - bet you never thought you'd hear me say that! Trust me, it's not RR related things so much as nice little things I came across in the process of working there). I would, obviously, not be working where I am now, and therefore would have missed out on learning a LOT of stuff about myself. I may not be working on a team that's as supportive as the one I'm part of now. And I'd have missed out on meeting a lot of great people.
It just always blows my mind to think about the way the building blocks of the moments and events in our lives fit together to make a seamless chain. That's why I try hard to always appreciate every link...
It just always blows my mind to think about the way the building blocks of the moments and events in our lives fit together to make a seamless chain. That's why I try hard to always appreciate every link...
Monday, March 10, 2008
Me, By Any Other Name...
First of all, I have to confess that I'm stealing this from Joe. When I read about his name on his blog, of course it made me want to read about mine! Interestingly enough, we share an entire section of our descriptions...so now I'm curious what parts of our names does that :) Anyway, here's what it says:
You are a seeker of knowledge, and you have learned many things in your life.
You are also a keeper of knowledge - meaning you don't spill secrets or spread gossip.
People sometimes think you're snobby or aloof, but you're just too deep in thought to pay attention to them.
You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.
You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.
At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.
You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.
You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.
Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.
You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in.
You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising.
You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care.
I think it's pretty accurate aside from a few small pieces...and the entire last section. Anyone who knows me will read that and laugh. I suppose to some I could be considered a free spirit, but I think only within bounds...which is really contradictory, but it's true. I don't know really how to explain it. And although I'm somewhat independent, I also appreciate all the people and supports in my life, and I think I know when I need help - and I'm not afraid to ask for it. Everyone likes to be taken care of sometimes...
This also leads me to question whether or not this is a nature or a nurture issue. Do our names fit us, or do we grow to fit our names? My mom didn't want to name me Kelly - my grandma did. So had my mom not given in, would I be different? I know I'm not supposed to know, and I'm who I'm supposed to be...but I'm still curious. Can't help it. It's just my nature...
You are a seeker of knowledge, and you have learned many things in your life.
You are also a keeper of knowledge - meaning you don't spill secrets or spread gossip.
People sometimes think you're snobby or aloof, but you're just too deep in thought to pay attention to them.
You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.
You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.
At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.
You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.
You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.
Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.
You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in.
You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising.
You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care.
I think it's pretty accurate aside from a few small pieces...and the entire last section. Anyone who knows me will read that and laugh. I suppose to some I could be considered a free spirit, but I think only within bounds...which is really contradictory, but it's true. I don't know really how to explain it. And although I'm somewhat independent, I also appreciate all the people and supports in my life, and I think I know when I need help - and I'm not afraid to ask for it. Everyone likes to be taken care of sometimes...
This also leads me to question whether or not this is a nature or a nurture issue. Do our names fit us, or do we grow to fit our names? My mom didn't want to name me Kelly - my grandma did. So had my mom not given in, would I be different? I know I'm not supposed to know, and I'm who I'm supposed to be...but I'm still curious. Can't help it. It's just my nature...
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Life Happens
I went to a show Friday night and it was really good. The second "band" debuted a song. It was about a series of photographs and what goes on between the shots - which is when they said real life happens.
I've been thinking about this concept a lot over the rest of the weekend, and I love it. I wish I could quote the lyrics to you, but I was too wrapped up in the song to stop and memorize...and it's too new for me to find them anywhere. So you're just going to have to take my word on it.
So if we look at the bigger picture of life, what does this concept look like? It actually has a pretty current tie-in for me, so I keep looking at it as the things that happen between what we plan for. Or things that we find that we're not necessarily looking for. Sometimes the things that sneak up on us and then burst open like a confetti-filled balloon can bring along with them the best and most enjoyable parts of life.
And the overall message, then, is what? To just go with the flow and let life happen? Or maybe to just keep your eyes open to the surprises life holds? Or maybe even just to stop and really appreciate those surprises when they come your way. I'm enjoying every minute of mine right now.
I've been thinking about this concept a lot over the rest of the weekend, and I love it. I wish I could quote the lyrics to you, but I was too wrapped up in the song to stop and memorize...and it's too new for me to find them anywhere. So you're just going to have to take my word on it.
So if we look at the bigger picture of life, what does this concept look like? It actually has a pretty current tie-in for me, so I keep looking at it as the things that happen between what we plan for. Or things that we find that we're not necessarily looking for. Sometimes the things that sneak up on us and then burst open like a confetti-filled balloon can bring along with them the best and most enjoyable parts of life.
And the overall message, then, is what? To just go with the flow and let life happen? Or maybe to just keep your eyes open to the surprises life holds? Or maybe even just to stop and really appreciate those surprises when they come your way. I'm enjoying every minute of mine right now.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Creative Fodder All Around
Seriously, I feel like I could watch people forever. There are just too many unique characters in the world. I was at a show tonight and was surround by all sorts to take in.
And so then I was of course thinking of my plan to get myself writing. See, I love to write. And I would really, really love to write a novel...but I have problems with the getting started and the creative part. I can write forever about myself or things around me...but when it comes to fiction, I lock up. I think I put too much pressure on myself to figure it all out at once. I don't know. So I thought up this plan whereby which I observe people in real life and create fictional characters and stories around them. But for as long as I've had this idea, I've never actually started it. And so now I'm sitting here wondering why. It still feels too hard. I need some way to break it down and start smaller.
Or maybe I need to just stick with my strengths, for a while at least, and keep writing nonfiction with more frequency. This blog will help, assuming I can keep going with it. And maybe I can start with just describing what I see, and go from there.
Baby steps write a book...
But for now I'm cold and need to go get snuggly in my bed :)
And so then I was of course thinking of my plan to get myself writing. See, I love to write. And I would really, really love to write a novel...but I have problems with the getting started and the creative part. I can write forever about myself or things around me...but when it comes to fiction, I lock up. I think I put too much pressure on myself to figure it all out at once. I don't know. So I thought up this plan whereby which I observe people in real life and create fictional characters and stories around them. But for as long as I've had this idea, I've never actually started it. And so now I'm sitting here wondering why. It still feels too hard. I need some way to break it down and start smaller.
Or maybe I need to just stick with my strengths, for a while at least, and keep writing nonfiction with more frequency. This blog will help, assuming I can keep going with it. And maybe I can start with just describing what I see, and go from there.
Baby steps write a book...
But for now I'm cold and need to go get snuggly in my bed :)
Thursday, March 6, 2008
This One Goes Out to the GOOD Guys...
Subtitle: Amazingly I Still Believe They Exist
If you haven't yet, please see my previous post about the TV show Big Brother. I'm going there again - to start at least. The sluttiest cast member this season is a male named Matt. In a recent episode he was talking to one of the girls in the house. Yes, granted, they were sitting on a bed, but they were sitting at least 3 feet apart I'd say, and talking about something completely generic. So generic I don't even remember what it was, so for the sake of this discussion we'll say it was about the weather. The point is nothing even remotely flirty. All of a sudden, while one of them (I think she) was in the middle of a sentence he pounces like a lion and starts making out with her. No warning, nothing. I've got a hint to all you fellas out there: that's really not a great approach. Don't get me wrong, every girl likes to be taken by surprise once in a while, but for the sake of Pete at least make sure the mood is right!
So then it made me think about my sordid dating and non-dating history...and I've decided to document, from experience, a guide of things NOT to do if you want to get a girl.
For starters, let's just put this out there - don't tell a girl you could see yourself marrying her if you think you might be gay. I'm just saying.
Also, if you're on a first date, try to plan more than one question. And find some memory tricks if you need them. Just don't ask her the same question 5 times or more. She will most definitely consider the 2 hours you spend together among the longest of her life.
Don't be dirty (in, you know, a slimy, filthy, icky way). If you've been pursuing a girl for a few weeks, don't suddenly disappear for any amount of time to your car with the known slut of the bar. It's really not flattering. Also, if your own brother implies you're not good enough for me - with examples, well then I'm probably not going to date you. Oh and one final note on this one, this is not a good line: "Do you like to dance? I don't really like to dance but I would dance with you. You couldn't wear those shoes though because if I were dancing with you, I'd want it to be romantic and I'd probably step on your foot and that wouldn't be very romantic at all." We like it when guys are a little bit nervous, but if you're already not batting very high, this isn't going to help. Oh and P.S. going on vacation with your baby's mama ain't so hot either...ok, really, I'm done talking about him now.
Next! It doesn't matter how phenomenally hot you are and how great your moves are. I'll be able to resist making out with you if you keep walking away to use the same moves on a girl about 8 feet away from me. Just because she's that drunk and you're that drunk doesn't mean I am. Sorry hottie, your loss...although you're still really beautiful. It's such a shame. That could have been fun...
If you're going to talk to me, just do it. Don't stare at me all night and then when I'm on my way out the door say "Wait, you're leaving? I was just coming to talk to you" - because you'll be too late. And you probably already creeped me out with the staring.
Speaking of staring. If you stop hearing from me, there's probably a reason. Yes, I know, I should be a grownup and tell you I'm not interested. But if we've only exchanged 2 emails previously, how much explanation do I really owe you? And this does not give you the right to stare at me whenever you see me. Please see the previous note about staring. You're not going to convince me to talk to you that way. I'm still going to make every effort to completely avoid you and hope that you never talk to me. Just give up. Please. If I were interested, I would not avoid you. Just trust me.
And a few notes from my most recent pursuer. Dancing is fun, but if you want to make me interested you have to actually talk to me at least a little. And it doesn't count if you're singing to me Ice Ice Baby or any song in which every other word is %itch. It also doesn't count if our entire 5 minutes of actual conversation consists of you talking trash about where you're from and telling me never to go there (West Allis)...if you grew up there, what does that say about you? Just think about that.
A few notes to all those online-types as well: I know not everyone hearts grammar as much as I do, but please, please at least try to make whatever you write (especially if it's your first point of contact) readable. Also, if you're going to make it that obvious you're just looking for the booty call, you've got the wrong girl. Remember that you need to actually start a conversation - if you say "hey you look cool let's chat", I'm not going to respond. If you are the one who wants to talk to me, you need to TALK to me. And finally, if you don't know me, please don't call me baby.
All that said, I'm really not high maintenance and as picky as this might sound. What works better? Be yourself. Be interesting. Be sincere. Make me smile/laugh. Challenge me and make me think. I give bonus points for sarcasm, a good comeback and some really good witty banter.
If you haven't yet, please see my previous post about the TV show Big Brother. I'm going there again - to start at least. The sluttiest cast member this season is a male named Matt. In a recent episode he was talking to one of the girls in the house. Yes, granted, they were sitting on a bed, but they were sitting at least 3 feet apart I'd say, and talking about something completely generic. So generic I don't even remember what it was, so for the sake of this discussion we'll say it was about the weather. The point is nothing even remotely flirty. All of a sudden, while one of them (I think she) was in the middle of a sentence he pounces like a lion and starts making out with her. No warning, nothing. I've got a hint to all you fellas out there: that's really not a great approach. Don't get me wrong, every girl likes to be taken by surprise once in a while, but for the sake of Pete at least make sure the mood is right!
So then it made me think about my sordid dating and non-dating history...and I've decided to document, from experience, a guide of things NOT to do if you want to get a girl.
For starters, let's just put this out there - don't tell a girl you could see yourself marrying her if you think you might be gay. I'm just saying.
Also, if you're on a first date, try to plan more than one question. And find some memory tricks if you need them. Just don't ask her the same question 5 times or more. She will most definitely consider the 2 hours you spend together among the longest of her life.
Don't be dirty (in, you know, a slimy, filthy, icky way). If you've been pursuing a girl for a few weeks, don't suddenly disappear for any amount of time to your car with the known slut of the bar. It's really not flattering. Also, if your own brother implies you're not good enough for me - with examples, well then I'm probably not going to date you. Oh and one final note on this one, this is not a good line: "Do you like to dance? I don't really like to dance but I would dance with you. You couldn't wear those shoes though because if I were dancing with you, I'd want it to be romantic and I'd probably step on your foot and that wouldn't be very romantic at all." We like it when guys are a little bit nervous, but if you're already not batting very high, this isn't going to help. Oh and P.S. going on vacation with your baby's mama ain't so hot either...ok, really, I'm done talking about him now.
Next! It doesn't matter how phenomenally hot you are and how great your moves are. I'll be able to resist making out with you if you keep walking away to use the same moves on a girl about 8 feet away from me. Just because she's that drunk and you're that drunk doesn't mean I am. Sorry hottie, your loss...although you're still really beautiful. It's such a shame. That could have been fun...
If you're going to talk to me, just do it. Don't stare at me all night and then when I'm on my way out the door say "Wait, you're leaving? I was just coming to talk to you" - because you'll be too late. And you probably already creeped me out with the staring.
Speaking of staring. If you stop hearing from me, there's probably a reason. Yes, I know, I should be a grownup and tell you I'm not interested. But if we've only exchanged 2 emails previously, how much explanation do I really owe you? And this does not give you the right to stare at me whenever you see me. Please see the previous note about staring. You're not going to convince me to talk to you that way. I'm still going to make every effort to completely avoid you and hope that you never talk to me. Just give up. Please. If I were interested, I would not avoid you. Just trust me.
And a few notes from my most recent pursuer. Dancing is fun, but if you want to make me interested you have to actually talk to me at least a little. And it doesn't count if you're singing to me Ice Ice Baby or any song in which every other word is %itch. It also doesn't count if our entire 5 minutes of actual conversation consists of you talking trash about where you're from and telling me never to go there (West Allis)...if you grew up there, what does that say about you? Just think about that.
A few notes to all those online-types as well: I know not everyone hearts grammar as much as I do, but please, please at least try to make whatever you write (especially if it's your first point of contact) readable. Also, if you're going to make it that obvious you're just looking for the booty call, you've got the wrong girl. Remember that you need to actually start a conversation - if you say "hey you look cool let's chat", I'm not going to respond. If you are the one who wants to talk to me, you need to TALK to me. And finally, if you don't know me, please don't call me baby.
All that said, I'm really not high maintenance and as picky as this might sound. What works better? Be yourself. Be interesting. Be sincere. Make me smile/laugh. Challenge me and make me think. I give bonus points for sarcasm, a good comeback and some really good witty banter.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
She's Got Legs
Tax season is both a very good and a very dangerous time for me. The return is beneficial, of course. However, getting a nice big "check" like that gives me a shopping bug. My focus this time around? Knee-high boots. It started as a whim and I found a clearance pair of brown ones. I wasn't too sure about them, but like my roommate told me, "They're $30," and for a pair of tall boots, you can't really beat that.
I wasn't super thrilled about the brown, so I went in search for a black pair...which I found for around the same price, but in suede, which I was just so-so on. I ordered them anyway. They came today and I don't think I ever want to take them off - they look so good! And feel good too ;)
Also, Krista found a coupon code for 40% off these other ones...and I got those too. They were a little more than the others, but still a good deal - and different. Black, not suede, and a shorter, wider heel than either of the others.
So what's the moral of the story? I'm addicted to boots. But the good news is I think my shopping bug has been officially killed - I hope - for now. Not to mention that I'm going to look darn good!
I wasn't super thrilled about the brown, so I went in search for a black pair...which I found for around the same price, but in suede, which I was just so-so on. I ordered them anyway. They came today and I don't think I ever want to take them off - they look so good! And feel good too ;)
Also, Krista found a coupon code for 40% off these other ones...and I got those too. They were a little more than the others, but still a good deal - and different. Black, not suede, and a shorter, wider heel than either of the others.
So what's the moral of the story? I'm addicted to boots. But the good news is I think my shopping bug has been officially killed - I hope - for now. Not to mention that I'm going to look darn good!
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Possibility of Perfection
So anyone who knows me knows that I don't really hide the fact that I watch a lot of reality TV. This is for a variety of reasons that I'd be more than happy to share with you if you're really curious...but that's not my focus right now.
Recently I added a new show to my schedule: Big Brother. In some ways this show is the least interesting among reality TV (there's just not much to it in the grand scheme of things), but at the same time it is one of the most interesting because it is completely a study in sociology. And it seems like they're upping the ante. This time they've paired off the contestants in couples defined by "compatibility testing" completed based on their interview process and told them during the pairing process that they were "potential soulmates."
And obviously a lot of the time part of the goal of reality tv is to get people to pair off naturally so as to create storylines that draw viewers, but this is adding a completely different dimension. When you tell someone that a person could be their soulmate, doesn't that automatically create a curiosity and tune the individuals into seeking out fact to support the possibility. And hence it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Sheer brilliance on the part of the BB writing and casting crews.
However, I suppose this result only holds true if the participants believe in the idea of soulmates. Which, obviously, in this case comes back to the casting, but still it would be interesting to see how it would be different in a situation with a cast that wasn't completely sold on the soulmate mentality...or that was maybe half and half. But that would be another show.
So this makes me question my own views on the idea of a soulmate...and I'm just not sure. But I also wonder, what makes a soulmate? What does that look like?
And then, about the compatibility testing situation. I'm curious what makes people compatible. Is it similarities...or more along the "opposites attract" mentality? Or a combination? Are there certain factors or combinations that are absolute in a functioning relationship?
And really, when it all boils down to it, there's the question of whether the "scientific" factors weigh in at all, or if it's all just something innate and indefinable. Maybe someday I'll have something other than questions on the topic:) In the meantime, it's fun to be curious.
Recently I added a new show to my schedule: Big Brother. In some ways this show is the least interesting among reality TV (there's just not much to it in the grand scheme of things), but at the same time it is one of the most interesting because it is completely a study in sociology. And it seems like they're upping the ante. This time they've paired off the contestants in couples defined by "compatibility testing" completed based on their interview process and told them during the pairing process that they were "potential soulmates."
And obviously a lot of the time part of the goal of reality tv is to get people to pair off naturally so as to create storylines that draw viewers, but this is adding a completely different dimension. When you tell someone that a person could be their soulmate, doesn't that automatically create a curiosity and tune the individuals into seeking out fact to support the possibility. And hence it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Sheer brilliance on the part of the BB writing and casting crews.
However, I suppose this result only holds true if the participants believe in the idea of soulmates. Which, obviously, in this case comes back to the casting, but still it would be interesting to see how it would be different in a situation with a cast that wasn't completely sold on the soulmate mentality...or that was maybe half and half. But that would be another show.
So this makes me question my own views on the idea of a soulmate...and I'm just not sure. But I also wonder, what makes a soulmate? What does that look like?
And then, about the compatibility testing situation. I'm curious what makes people compatible. Is it similarities...or more along the "opposites attract" mentality? Or a combination? Are there certain factors or combinations that are absolute in a functioning relationship?
And really, when it all boils down to it, there's the question of whether the "scientific" factors weigh in at all, or if it's all just something innate and indefinable. Maybe someday I'll have something other than questions on the topic:) In the meantime, it's fun to be curious.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Just a Little Nibble
This morning I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth and saw a spot moving on the floor. We all know how I feel about bugs, so I spent a minute freaking out and then looked closer - a ladybug! I had 2 living with my for a long time after our housewarming party, but they've been gone for quite some time now. So what can I get from my new friend but a little bit of hope. Hope that spring really IS coming. And that something bright and cheerful is just around the corner.
So what do I name my new buddy? Joy, maybe? Sunny? Yeah, sunny I think. Next time I see him, I'll try it out and see how it goes.
So what do I name my new buddy? Joy, maybe? Sunny? Yeah, sunny I think. Next time I see him, I'll try it out and see how it goes.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Stopping, starting
Friendships are a curious thing.
We build them like we do romantic relationships, and yet the rules are somewhat different. Unlike a boyfriend, I can't break up with one of my friends when I realize things "aren't going to work out between us" - and this situation is kind of tough.
Let's talk not-so-hypothetically about my friend "Kathy." I've known for a long time that we had different viewpoints on the world and that we were very different people - however, we've gotten along fine, and really, who wants to be friends with a clone of themself? Although there have always been things about her that I didn't agree with and that have bothered me (she is superficial and self-centered), I've been able to just let comments roll off my back - probably because for the most part I didn't feel like they were directed at me. Not that that made them right, it just made them easier to stomach - until now. Why? Well, the one obvious thing - the snottiness has been directed at me. And on top of this eating away at me, it's also put me into a position to really see her true nature and how I just truly don't approve of her attitudes and behaviors.
So now what's the answer? The best and most obvious would seem to be to stop associating with the friend. (Well, I suppose maybe the best would be to start by talking to her about it, but part of the problem is that she's so detached from reality that I don't think she would realize/acknowledge any fault of her own and I would just end up feeling worse) However, this becomes harder when the friend is completely intertwined with a large number of other friends. So I'm forced to decide between spending time with my friends and being able to eliminate a cause of friction from my life. It's just not an easy decision to make. And I think it's completely unfair that the onus is on me to make it, but sadly, that's the way it is.
If anyone has recommendations on dealing with someone who is completely superficial, I'd LOVE to hear them... I think I need to figure this mess out sooner rather than later.
We build them like we do romantic relationships, and yet the rules are somewhat different. Unlike a boyfriend, I can't break up with one of my friends when I realize things "aren't going to work out between us" - and this situation is kind of tough.
Let's talk not-so-hypothetically about my friend "Kathy." I've known for a long time that we had different viewpoints on the world and that we were very different people - however, we've gotten along fine, and really, who wants to be friends with a clone of themself? Although there have always been things about her that I didn't agree with and that have bothered me (she is superficial and self-centered), I've been able to just let comments roll off my back - probably because for the most part I didn't feel like they were directed at me. Not that that made them right, it just made them easier to stomach - until now. Why? Well, the one obvious thing - the snottiness has been directed at me. And on top of this eating away at me, it's also put me into a position to really see her true nature and how I just truly don't approve of her attitudes and behaviors.
So now what's the answer? The best and most obvious would seem to be to stop associating with the friend. (Well, I suppose maybe the best would be to start by talking to her about it, but part of the problem is that she's so detached from reality that I don't think she would realize/acknowledge any fault of her own and I would just end up feeling worse) However, this becomes harder when the friend is completely intertwined with a large number of other friends. So I'm forced to decide between spending time with my friends and being able to eliminate a cause of friction from my life. It's just not an easy decision to make. And I think it's completely unfair that the onus is on me to make it, but sadly, that's the way it is.
If anyone has recommendations on dealing with someone who is completely superficial, I'd LOVE to hear them... I think I need to figure this mess out sooner rather than later.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
The Starting Line
So here I am at the beginning of 2008 and feeling excited as I always do at the beginning of a new year. But before I can get to what's in store for the new year, I think it's important to look back at where I've been over the course of the last year.
I started a new job shortly before the beginning of 2007, and that has been a huge influence on so much of my year. I have been challenged more in the last year than I have in the entire rest of my work life, and that has been such an incredible change. I've been pushed to step up to the plate and have felt completely empowered to do just that. For the first time in a long time I feel truly respected and appreciated. I can't explain it, but it's just incredible and I feel so motivated in so many ways. Not to mention I have met some really great people and work for an AWESOME organization. For a long time I didn't think I could find this in a for-profit institution - I didn't think I could find a place where employees are valued, where everyone is truly dedicated, and where I feel like there is nothing but integrity. I can only hope to someday say that I've given at least a fraction back to the organization that it has, even in this short time, given to me.
This was a year of weddings. My cousin had the wedding she'd been waiting for while her husband was in Iraq in May. One of my best high school friends got married in May and it was absolutely the most fun wedding I've ever attended. A newer and still dear friend got married in July, and even though their marriage started with a ring in the bottom of the lake, they're off to a great start! Then I participated in the marriage of another best friend in October. The year was rounded out by the wedding of a coworker. What a joy-filled year - I am so blessed to have been able to enjoy the celebration of so much love.
I also had to miss the wedding of an awesome gal from my Carroll days, because I was in the process of the most interesting housing situation of my life (yes, even compared to the craziness of the broken lease situation of 2005/2006). I planned a night out to see a concert with some friends, and before we headed out was propositioned. As it turned out, my friend Eric was looking to buy a house, and was looking for someone to help contribute to the payment process. As it turned out, he found a great house - a nice, quiet neighborhood, close to downtown, off-street parking and a substantial studio upstairs. Of course I said yes right away - it was just what I needed. Unfortunately, however, the situation wasn't entirely ideal. The sale was a mess that took months. However, it gave me an opportunity to realize what awesome friends I have when I moved in with Krista and Kevin for a couple months in the interim. The important thing is that we're here now and the house is great! However, I had some adjustments. Like the fact that my closet is about an eighth of what it had been in my last place, I need to go downstairs to use a stove, I park outside, and I have NO IDEA where to find anything in this area - not to mention that I'm not a fan of the grocery store options. And yet, this whole experience has taught me to believe in my ability to adapt and shown me that I really am resilient.
Overall, I would say 2007 was one of realization. And it's this fact that has brought me to my hopes for 2008. Many have heard me say that I don't believe in the term "resolution" - it just implies too much black and white, and I don't think it supports the idea of "process" and growth. Instead, I prefer to focus on goals. My big goals for the year are health and finance related. But I'm approaching the year with a new perspective - I plan to choose a weekly goal to focus on to help me build toward my bigger goals. We'll see. Time will tell how that goes. I'm hoping more journaling will help me keep on with my progress.
I started a new job shortly before the beginning of 2007, and that has been a huge influence on so much of my year. I have been challenged more in the last year than I have in the entire rest of my work life, and that has been such an incredible change. I've been pushed to step up to the plate and have felt completely empowered to do just that. For the first time in a long time I feel truly respected and appreciated. I can't explain it, but it's just incredible and I feel so motivated in so many ways. Not to mention I have met some really great people and work for an AWESOME organization. For a long time I didn't think I could find this in a for-profit institution - I didn't think I could find a place where employees are valued, where everyone is truly dedicated, and where I feel like there is nothing but integrity. I can only hope to someday say that I've given at least a fraction back to the organization that it has, even in this short time, given to me.
This was a year of weddings. My cousin had the wedding she'd been waiting for while her husband was in Iraq in May. One of my best high school friends got married in May and it was absolutely the most fun wedding I've ever attended. A newer and still dear friend got married in July, and even though their marriage started with a ring in the bottom of the lake, they're off to a great start! Then I participated in the marriage of another best friend in October. The year was rounded out by the wedding of a coworker. What a joy-filled year - I am so blessed to have been able to enjoy the celebration of so much love.
I also had to miss the wedding of an awesome gal from my Carroll days, because I was in the process of the most interesting housing situation of my life (yes, even compared to the craziness of the broken lease situation of 2005/2006). I planned a night out to see a concert with some friends, and before we headed out was propositioned. As it turned out, my friend Eric was looking to buy a house, and was looking for someone to help contribute to the payment process. As it turned out, he found a great house - a nice, quiet neighborhood, close to downtown, off-street parking and a substantial studio upstairs. Of course I said yes right away - it was just what I needed. Unfortunately, however, the situation wasn't entirely ideal. The sale was a mess that took months. However, it gave me an opportunity to realize what awesome friends I have when I moved in with Krista and Kevin for a couple months in the interim. The important thing is that we're here now and the house is great! However, I had some adjustments. Like the fact that my closet is about an eighth of what it had been in my last place, I need to go downstairs to use a stove, I park outside, and I have NO IDEA where to find anything in this area - not to mention that I'm not a fan of the grocery store options. And yet, this whole experience has taught me to believe in my ability to adapt and shown me that I really am resilient.
Overall, I would say 2007 was one of realization. And it's this fact that has brought me to my hopes for 2008. Many have heard me say that I don't believe in the term "resolution" - it just implies too much black and white, and I don't think it supports the idea of "process" and growth. Instead, I prefer to focus on goals. My big goals for the year are health and finance related. But I'm approaching the year with a new perspective - I plan to choose a weekly goal to focus on to help me build toward my bigger goals. We'll see. Time will tell how that goes. I'm hoping more journaling will help me keep on with my progress.
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