This One Goes Out to the GOOD Guys...

Subtitle: Amazingly I Still Believe They Exist

If you haven't yet, please see my previous post about the TV show Big Brother. I'm going there again - to start at least. The sluttiest cast member this season is a male named Matt. In a recent episode he was talking to one of the girls in the house. Yes, granted, they were sitting on a bed, but they were sitting at least 3 feet apart I'd say, and talking about something completely generic. So generic I don't even remember what it was, so for the sake of this discussion we'll say it was about the weather. The point is nothing even remotely flirty. All of a sudden, while one of them (I think she) was in the middle of a sentence he pounces like a lion and starts making out with her. No warning, nothing. I've got a hint to all you fellas out there: that's really not a great approach. Don't get me wrong, every girl likes to be taken by surprise once in a while, but for the sake of Pete at least make sure the mood is right!

So then it made me think about my sordid dating and non-dating history...and I've decided to document, from experience, a guide of things NOT to do if you want to get a girl.

For starters, let's just put this out there - don't tell a girl you could see yourself marrying her if you think you might be gay. I'm just saying.

Also, if you're on a first date, try to plan more than one question. And find some memory tricks if you need them. Just don't ask her the same question 5 times or more. She will most definitely consider the 2 hours you spend together among the longest of her life.

Don't be dirty (in, you know, a slimy, filthy, icky way). If you've been pursuing a girl for a few weeks, don't suddenly disappear for any amount of time to your car with the known slut of the bar. It's really not flattering. Also, if your own brother implies you're not good enough for me - with examples, well then I'm probably not going to date you. Oh and one final note on this one, this is not a good line: "Do you like to dance? I don't really like to dance but I would dance with you. You couldn't wear those shoes though because if I were dancing with you, I'd want it to be romantic and I'd probably step on your foot and that wouldn't be very romantic at all." We like it when guys are a little bit nervous, but if you're already not batting very high, this isn't going to help. Oh and P.S. going on vacation with your baby's mama ain't so hot either...ok, really, I'm done talking about him now.

Next! It doesn't matter how phenomenally hot you are and how great your moves are. I'll be able to resist making out with you if you keep walking away to use the same moves on a girl about 8 feet away from me. Just because she's that drunk and you're that drunk doesn't mean I am. Sorry hottie, your loss...although you're still really beautiful. It's such a shame. That could have been fun...

If you're going to talk to me, just do it. Don't stare at me all night and then when I'm on my way out the door say "Wait, you're leaving? I was just coming to talk to you" - because you'll be too late. And you probably already creeped me out with the staring.

Speaking of staring. If you stop hearing from me, there's probably a reason. Yes, I know, I should be a grownup and tell you I'm not interested. But if we've only exchanged 2 emails previously, how much explanation do I really owe you? And this does not give you the right to stare at me whenever you see me. Please see the previous note about staring. You're not going to convince me to talk to you that way. I'm still going to make every effort to completely avoid you and hope that you never talk to me. Just give up. Please. If I were interested, I would not avoid you. Just trust me.

And a few notes from my most recent pursuer. Dancing is fun, but if you want to make me interested you have to actually talk to me at least a little. And it doesn't count if you're singing to me Ice Ice Baby or any song in which every other word is %itch. It also doesn't count if our entire 5 minutes of actual conversation consists of you talking trash about where you're from and telling me never to go there (West Allis)...if you grew up there, what does that say about you? Just think about that.

A few notes to all those online-types as well: I know not everyone hearts grammar as much as I do, but please, please at least try to make whatever you write (especially if it's your first point of contact) readable. Also, if you're going to make it that obvious you're just looking for the booty call, you've got the wrong girl. Remember that you need to actually start a conversation - if you say "hey you look cool let's chat", I'm not going to respond. If you are the one who wants to talk to me, you need to TALK to me. And finally, if you don't know me, please don't call me baby.

All that said, I'm really not high maintenance and as picky as this might sound. What works better? Be yourself. Be interesting. Be sincere. Make me smile/laugh. Challenge me and make me think. I give bonus points for sarcasm, a good comeback and some really good witty banter.