Choose or Lose

In one of those "confess a bunch of stuff about yourself to your friends when you're bored or procrastinating" sort of email surveys, a friend of mine once completed the sentence "Love is..." with "an obligation." I won't go back and re-hash my feelings about that response (I disagree, for the record, and have been through the discussion with a number of individuals - if you want to discuss it with me further, just ask), but another similar question has been posed to me recently.

I attended the wedding of a good friend from college on Sunday. Several times during the service and reception speeches, individuals referred to love as a choice that is made. Again, I don't think I can agree. If love were a choice, it wouldn't be as complicated as it is. It would never hurt - because saying that it is a choice implies the ability to turn it on and off. And I don't think we do that. I don't think we choose whom we love any more than we choose the color of our skin. I think love is something that finds us. I don't think that kind of emotion and attachment is something we decide - it's just something that happens.

This is also, I think, the thing that makes it joyful - one of the most sought after things in most people's lives. The way it sneaks up and takes a person by surprise is the same thing that makes it both challenging and wonderful. But I just can't think that any part of it is something we choose. Can we choose whether or not we are open to love? Certainly, but isn't choosing not to love, it's just denial.

And all of this speculation makes me nostalgic. I had a lengthy and lovely email conversation about the nature of love 5 years ago (gasp - I'm so old) with a male, eventually resulting in the best compliment I've ever received. I really, really wish I still had those emails. I also really, really wish I still talked to him - that sort of discussion is something I could use more of. Although, maybe part of what makes me look back on it so fondly is that it was limited. Who knows...and maybe I don't need to.