And We're Left to Carry on and Wonder Why...

On Sunday we'll have been without you for 2 years. And I need you Benner. Remind me that you're ok. Help me to know that, although we're sad, you're happy. Let me believe that your last moments were spent joyfully...that maybe you didn't know, that you truly lived to that final instant, without fear. And mostly, be with me - help me to never forget that although I can't see you, you're here with me in every moment, in every way. I miss you.

All the people who say it gets better with time are in denial, or just don't actually know. Just because I'm able to trick myself better and for longer periods of time into believing that it's not real doesn't mean it hurts any less at those moments when the truth flies back at me like a boomerang I foolishly flung away to get rid of. The hole in my heart is still gaping and raw. It's unpatchable. There are good things in my life, they make themselves known to me every day, and still they only fill in around the edges of the wound...sometimes soothing it temporarily, but never filling it in. And now, when the memories of what I was doing at this time 2 years ago are circling in my brain like vulchers, that hole feels swollen and heavy.

My yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away
Every now and then you come to mind
'Cause you were always waiting to be picked to play the game
But when your name was called, you found a place to hide
When you knew that I was always on your side

Well everything was easy then, so sweet and innocent
But my demons and my angels reappeared
Leavin' only traces of the man you thought I'd be
Too afraid to hear the words I'd always feared
Leavin' you with only questions all these years

But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are you left to wonder, all alone, eternally
This isn't how it's really meant to be
No it isn't how it's really meant to be

Well they say that love is in the air, never is it clear,
Try to pull it close and make it stay
Butterflies are free to fly, and so they fly away
And I'm left to carry on and wonder why
Even through it all, I'm always on your side

But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are you left to wonder, all alone, eternally
When this isn't how it's really meant to be
No it isn't how it's really meant to be

Well they say that love is in the air, never is it clear
How to pull it close and make it stay
Butterflies are free to fly, why do they fly away
Leavin' me to carry on and wonder why
Was it you that kept me wandering through this life
When you know that I was always on your side