In the book I'm reading right now, the author talks about the 5-year plan he had in his mid-20's. Reading this has just stirred up some already-stressful thoughts for me.
I know there are high expectations for me in my job and that there are some pretty substantial aspirations for me by others in my department. I'm fine with it, because it feels good to have that kind of appreciation and confidence in me, and because I know I'd like to move up somehow from my current position - but there's a lot of pressure associated with this too. Not pressure to succeed necessarily - I'm not really concerned about that, not because I'm over-confidant but because I know I'm always going to give 100% of myself and that's all anyone can ask of me anyway. Moreso, it's pressure because I need to figure out what I want.
The problem is that I just don't know what I want. Well, that's not completely true. There are a few different directions I can see myself going...but choosing one is the hard part. 2 of them are risky in terms of the fact that for them to work out, it would have to be the right position at the right time. The other is risky because it involves staying and growing in my current department where a position may or may not develop. It's hard to take on projects and tasks that I both like and think will help feed whatever I pick, when I don't know what that selection is and whether or not it will pan out in the end. It would be easy to say that it's failure I'm afraid of, but I don't think that's it. I would actually argue that to some extent it really is pure indecision - I think I could be really, truly happy in all 3 of the areas. I really like doing a lot of things, so how do I prioritize those and try to figure out what's going to be the best option for me? I'm just not sure.
Also, things are in flux in my department. In order to improve the service we provide to the firm, we're going through somewhat of a realignment...and it's really up in the air what this means for my role, but I'm nervous. I like what I do, and I really, really like working for my managers. They give me the freedom and flexibility I like, I know what to expect from them, they challenge and expect a lot from me...we just work well together. But now I just don't know what the next step is and how our structure will affect my ability to be content and fulfilled in my position. Hopefully it won't, but I'm nervous nonetheless. Guess we'll see...
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Monday, April 21, 2008
Stalked by RR
So I'm leaving the gym this morning and a gentleman is on his way in. I say hello and so does he. I think I'm going to hold the door for him and head on my way. But I'm wrong. As he's walking toward the door he says to me "Go see the movie 'Expelled'" I've never heard of it, so I say "ok, thanks" and again think I'm heading on my way. But I'm still wrong. He asks if I've heard of it, and when I say no he tells me "In my opinion, it's the most important movie created in the last 25 years. It's only playing until Thursday. The politically correct people won't let it play longer than that." And by this time I'm almost to my car and really do head on my way.
So what, you might ask, is 'Expelled' - as it turns out it's a movie about how those who support the creation theory as opposed to evolution are essentially condemned in the science world. Aye, aye aye. I thought I was removed from this stuff when I left RR...but no. It's like these people haunt me. The good news, though, is that in this case I will hopefully not be confronted by him again and will therefore not have to ever pretend like I want to see this movie or like it really is the most important thing created in the last 25 years. Unlike how I used to have to bite my tongue when Drew M. talked about "curing" homosexuality and when I was forced to staff a booth at the Right to Life masses. It's just so good to not have to hide my real opinion. I really think I'm not thankful enough for that right in my life...
So what, you might ask, is 'Expelled' - as it turns out it's a movie about how those who support the creation theory as opposed to evolution are essentially condemned in the science world. Aye, aye aye. I thought I was removed from this stuff when I left RR...but no. It's like these people haunt me. The good news, though, is that in this case I will hopefully not be confronted by him again and will therefore not have to ever pretend like I want to see this movie or like it really is the most important thing created in the last 25 years. Unlike how I used to have to bite my tongue when Drew M. talked about "curing" homosexuality and when I was forced to staff a booth at the Right to Life masses. It's just so good to not have to hide my real opinion. I really think I'm not thankful enough for that right in my life...
Sunday, April 13, 2008
In Other News...
The movie with this favorite quote of mine was on this morning:
"The things you're afraid of are usually the most worthwhile."
Hmm...
"The things you're afraid of are usually the most worthwhile."
Hmm...
When It Rains...
So, as if my issues with wanting to ditch one friend/group of friends isn't enough...up pops someone I'd written off long ago. You may or may not know that one of my best friendships (dating back to middle school) ended when my friend's very new (like 2 dates) and very controlling BF encouraged her to act in a very un-friendly way while we were living together. It's not worth re-hashing all the cruddy details...the point is that I was through with her and hadn't spoken to her since we broke our lease and moved out of our apartment in Jan. of '06. Well, I take that back - I was included on a group email from her last spring asking if anyone was interested in going somewhere for "spring break," which I found to be completely bizarre and did not respond to.
This morning, however, I woke to an email from her. Interestingly enough, her first words were "I know you're probably surprised to be getting an email from me..." well, duh. Evidently she had a dream in which she went to visit another mutual friend who happened to live with me - so although I wasn't in the dream, in the dream she was at my house, and this inspired her to write me. She acknowledged that she had never apologized for the wrongs she'd done me and that she was a complete jerk to me during that time, and she said that she hoped it had worked out for me in the end.
So, now what to do? It's strange, because I feel like her name has been coming up a lot lately for me. I've recently shared our story with a couple people, and in the process have even admitted to another and myself that I miss her and that I wish things had gone differently with our situation. Our friendship goes back a long time, and through a lot of things - she was essentially an extension of my family, an extension of myself. There are so many times I feel lost with something I want to share that I know only she would understand. I'm thankful to have a lot of people in my life who I would consider "close" - however, I also acknowledge that there are some people who understand another better than others have the ability to - with some people there is just a natural understanding. These people are few and far between. She was one of these people for me.
Back to the question at hand - is it too little too late? Or, is forgiveness the answer. It's a hard decision. If I want to draw a correlation to another friend with whom I've severed ties, I have left his attempts at repair unanswered. However, I don't think the harms in question now come anywhere near those done to me by this other individual. With him, the fact I always come back to is that the problems stemmed from a lack of quality in him as a person, and moreso, as a friend, that I don't believe have improved since. He was manipulative, selfish and truly intended to hurt me. As I already mentioned, I have a lot of good friends, and I don't believe he has the capacity to be a good friend to the extent I deserve or care to have in my life.
However, I don't know if I can claim the same things in this case. Was I hurt by the friend who wrote me today? Yes. However, do I think she intended to hurt me? No...I think the biggest problem for me was that she didn't take me into consideration at all, in a situation that completely impacted me. Also, I was concerned to see her so quickly manipulated and controlled by someone who I was afraid was not good for her. Now they're married, so another potential con to writing back and mending whatever can be mended would be finding that it's as bad as or worse than I thought it could be.
At the same time, maybe her reaching out is an implication that she needs some support. Maybe something isn't right. Maybe she just really is sorry. Maybe I should just let the whole thing go. I just wish I knew. I wish I had someone who could tell me what to do in several of my current friend situations. They're wearing on me, and I need to get it figured out sooner rather than later...
This morning, however, I woke to an email from her. Interestingly enough, her first words were "I know you're probably surprised to be getting an email from me..." well, duh. Evidently she had a dream in which she went to visit another mutual friend who happened to live with me - so although I wasn't in the dream, in the dream she was at my house, and this inspired her to write me. She acknowledged that she had never apologized for the wrongs she'd done me and that she was a complete jerk to me during that time, and she said that she hoped it had worked out for me in the end.
So, now what to do? It's strange, because I feel like her name has been coming up a lot lately for me. I've recently shared our story with a couple people, and in the process have even admitted to another and myself that I miss her and that I wish things had gone differently with our situation. Our friendship goes back a long time, and through a lot of things - she was essentially an extension of my family, an extension of myself. There are so many times I feel lost with something I want to share that I know only she would understand. I'm thankful to have a lot of people in my life who I would consider "close" - however, I also acknowledge that there are some people who understand another better than others have the ability to - with some people there is just a natural understanding. These people are few and far between. She was one of these people for me.
Back to the question at hand - is it too little too late? Or, is forgiveness the answer. It's a hard decision. If I want to draw a correlation to another friend with whom I've severed ties, I have left his attempts at repair unanswered. However, I don't think the harms in question now come anywhere near those done to me by this other individual. With him, the fact I always come back to is that the problems stemmed from a lack of quality in him as a person, and moreso, as a friend, that I don't believe have improved since. He was manipulative, selfish and truly intended to hurt me. As I already mentioned, I have a lot of good friends, and I don't believe he has the capacity to be a good friend to the extent I deserve or care to have in my life.
However, I don't know if I can claim the same things in this case. Was I hurt by the friend who wrote me today? Yes. However, do I think she intended to hurt me? No...I think the biggest problem for me was that she didn't take me into consideration at all, in a situation that completely impacted me. Also, I was concerned to see her so quickly manipulated and controlled by someone who I was afraid was not good for her. Now they're married, so another potential con to writing back and mending whatever can be mended would be finding that it's as bad as or worse than I thought it could be.
At the same time, maybe her reaching out is an implication that she needs some support. Maybe something isn't right. Maybe she just really is sorry. Maybe I should just let the whole thing go. I just wish I knew. I wish I had someone who could tell me what to do in several of my current friend situations. They're wearing on me, and I need to get it figured out sooner rather than later...
Friday, April 4, 2008
Find a Penny, Pick It Up
Everything happens for a reason. I really believe that. Which is why I'm not bothered by the fact that I got home at 10:15 on Friday night...and why it didn't bother me a bit to end my night in a bar, in my sweats.
Let's take a step back. It started a while ago. For a reference see my blog about friends from a bit ago. I've been frustrated with one friend in particular for some time now, and that's been making me alienated from an entire group of them. And I don't know what the appropriate course of action is when a person stops enjoying spending time with her friends.
I know I'm part of the problem. Typically, I think I'm a pretty easy-going person and can adjust to most any situation. But for some reason I'm just disgusted with this one friend...and to some extent the whole group, and I can't seem to let it go. And it sucks. It sucks because on the one hand I just want to be done with the group - to just completely detach and say screw them all, I don't need this. But at the same time, I hate the feeling of being excluded - which is again partly caused by the distance I've been creating and is also part of my frustration. For as much as they can say things about how they never see me anymore, etc, they also never take a step to ask what's been going on, how I'm doing, if everything's ok, etc. Which, I suppose, might just make it harder, since I've decided I can't really talk to any of them about it (one excluded...although my attempt to talk to her about it was fairly unhelpful).
So I just don't know what the right answer is. I wish I did. I wish I could just get over it already. And at the same time I just wish I could be done with it. But life is never that easy, and all I can really do is wait until I am able to figure it out.
Oh, but you might be wondering what this has to do with everything happening for a reason. See, I wasn't really looking forward to the "girls night in" tonight. It started out ok though - just me and the one good friend of the group bumming and being goofy at Target. But then, as we were leaving, I noticed that my house key was no longer on my clip. Crap. And of course we had stayed there too long and needed to leave immediately, so we had no time to go back and look for it. My only option was to go get my roommate's key from him. The bad news was this meant meeting him on the east side since he'd already started drinking...the good news was it gave me a really good excuse to leave the "party" really early. Which I was glad for, because I was annoyed within the first 5 seconds with the rest of the girls and had essentially no fun at all. And then, of course, Eric had sent his BF to go rent a movie...with his keys. So I had to wait for him to get back so that I could get a key to get into the house. And THAT is how I ended up in a bar in my sweats. Oh well...at least I'm home now where I can feel like me again.
Let's take a step back. It started a while ago. For a reference see my blog about friends from a bit ago. I've been frustrated with one friend in particular for some time now, and that's been making me alienated from an entire group of them. And I don't know what the appropriate course of action is when a person stops enjoying spending time with her friends.
I know I'm part of the problem. Typically, I think I'm a pretty easy-going person and can adjust to most any situation. But for some reason I'm just disgusted with this one friend...and to some extent the whole group, and I can't seem to let it go. And it sucks. It sucks because on the one hand I just want to be done with the group - to just completely detach and say screw them all, I don't need this. But at the same time, I hate the feeling of being excluded - which is again partly caused by the distance I've been creating and is also part of my frustration. For as much as they can say things about how they never see me anymore, etc, they also never take a step to ask what's been going on, how I'm doing, if everything's ok, etc. Which, I suppose, might just make it harder, since I've decided I can't really talk to any of them about it (one excluded...although my attempt to talk to her about it was fairly unhelpful).
So I just don't know what the right answer is. I wish I did. I wish I could just get over it already. And at the same time I just wish I could be done with it. But life is never that easy, and all I can really do is wait until I am able to figure it out.
Oh, but you might be wondering what this has to do with everything happening for a reason. See, I wasn't really looking forward to the "girls night in" tonight. It started out ok though - just me and the one good friend of the group bumming and being goofy at Target. But then, as we were leaving, I noticed that my house key was no longer on my clip. Crap. And of course we had stayed there too long and needed to leave immediately, so we had no time to go back and look for it. My only option was to go get my roommate's key from him. The bad news was this meant meeting him on the east side since he'd already started drinking...the good news was it gave me a really good excuse to leave the "party" really early. Which I was glad for, because I was annoyed within the first 5 seconds with the rest of the girls and had essentially no fun at all. And then, of course, Eric had sent his BF to go rent a movie...with his keys. So I had to wait for him to get back so that I could get a key to get into the house. And THAT is how I ended up in a bar in my sweats. Oh well...at least I'm home now where I can feel like me again.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)